Numerology = Purpose

I envy bloggers who seem to find something magical to say almost every day. I often don't have anything to say, but when I do it pours out of me and I can't seem to contain it.

I spoke to an amazing woman a few days ago who was very into numerology, and tarot and all things mystical. I have never been a true believer in such things, but I also can't say that I ignore them either. I read my horoscope, albeit with a grain of salt, I have had my cards read. Obviously, if you've read any of my older posts, you will realize that I believe in the universe, and destiny, and karma and of something much bigger than me controlling the outcome. All I can do is try to follow the path as it is illuminated before me. The signs aren't always clear, and there are roadblocks and wrong turns along the way. But I keep believing that if I do the best I can, and put one foot in front of the other, I will end up right where I am supposed to be.

That said I now am more of a believer in numerology than I used to be. Here's why.

The two most important numbers are your Lifepath (what we need to be happy) and your Attitude (the way we see the world and the way the world sees us). I am a 7 lifepath and a 9 attitude.

Here are the descriptions and they fit me to a tee. I have paraphrased a bit but...

#7 Lifepath. They are cerebral. They have a loner quality. They have a love of natural beauty. They need to learn to have faith. (sound familiar?) If they lack faith they become cynical and escape through work. They have an air of mystery and do not want you to know who they really are. They are the seekers.

I have been told more often than not that I am aloof, stand offish, that I have walls. I think less so as I have gotten older but they are there just the same. I spent 12 years escaping through my work in order to not get close to people, to not fall in love so I wouldn't get hurt again. I have always felt the loner. Even in a crowded room I am alone. And now, in order to find faith, I am on a quest, seeking a purpose for my life, seeking understanding, seeking answers, seeking love.

#9 Attitude: The 9 is a natural leader. At work they will not just do their job, but everyone else’s. Afterwards they are exhausted and drained. They need to establish boundaries. They have old pain that haunts them and it's hard for them to let go of the past. They will need to work through these emotions in order to be happy.

I have always been the leader. It's part of what keeps me alone and separate. I killed myself working, trying to do more than everyone else, making sure everything got done. And in the end all I had was a materially great life, but I was completely alone with no time for friends or relationships. Old pain? My ex-husband's infidelity haunted me for years, and still does sometimes. But the purpose of my book and this blog is to work through that pain and to believe again that true love is real and attainable.

So what does all this mean? Well, ultimately I think it proves to me once again that I am on the right path. I have said over and over since the beginning of this journey that I am happier now than I have ever been. I thought that making a lot of money, and buying a house, and being successful in my career were the path to happiness. But I found out they were, for me, the path to loneliness. I'm broke, but I am following my dream. I am seeking answers to my questions. I am learning how to look at the world as the "glass is half full", as opposed to the "glass is half empty". And ultimately, my happiness is measured not by how much money I make, or what I do, but by how I feel, and how I enjoy. I am no longer blindly running through my life, I am living it.