Getting Well Just Got Harder

Well, I have stopped taking the medicine. It makes me feel so sick and awful, even on the lower dose, that I just can’t stand it. I called my doctor and the only other option is surgery. There is a tiny tiny chance that the tumor has indeed shrunk, even with the lower dose, and that surgery could be postponed indefinitely if the tumor doesn’t grow. But that seems unlikely.

Roadblocks. They are not fun. But on the flip side of these impasses are lessons. It isn’t always easy to look at the bright side, and that certainly has never been the first thing I do. But on this journey I have learned that nothing really comes from negativity. Sure, I have bad days. And sure, my temper flares and I say things I shouldn’t, and I get snippy with people. Pain and discomfort and generally feeling icky make my fuse shorter that it normally would be. But if I stay in the bad places in my head, and forget to literally smell the flowers I do nothing but make myself and those around me feel worse.

I live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. And every day the lake and the mountains and the sky and the sunset remind me how small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. So I try every day to look out, and look up, and look around at what’s right in front of me. It helps keep me grounded. It gets me out of my head and the what if and uncertainty of what comes next. I am reminded that I am not always in charge, but I can decide how I feel about it.

Ever read the book FISH!? It’s a book about a fish market in Seattle and the philosophy of the people that work there. It’s a really fun read. But the one thing I took away from that book that has stuck with me for years is that you have a choice, every day, about what kind of mood you want to have. You can choose to be in a good mood, or you can choose to surrender to the bad mood demons. It’s easy to surrender to the dark side. Yoda said so. But it’s much harder to choose to stay in the light. It would be very easy for me, when I wake up and my head is pounding, and my knees are swollen, and my stomach is upset, and I’m terrified about having brain surgery and never being able to finish this book and wondering what comes next….It would be easy to pull the covers over my head and just stay in bed. It’s a much harder choice to get out of bed and put a smile on and say “ok….let’s have a good day”. Believe me…a much harder choice. But a choice, nonetheless.

And as I look outside today at the pine trees waving in the wind and the clouds beginning to cover up the beautiful blue sky reminding me that rain is coming, I smile. Because I am surrounded by a family who loves me, by two dogs and a cat who can’t live without me and friends who would do anything for me. And even though I don’t have everything that I want in this life, I certainly have everything that I need. And that’s worth smiling for.