Well, I have stopped taking the medicine. It makes me feel so sick and awful, even on the lower dose, that I just can’t stand it. I called my doctor and the only other option is surgery. There is a tiny tiny chance that the tumor has indeed shrunk, even with the lower dose, and that surgery could be postponed indefinitely if the tumor doesn’t grow. But that seems unlikely.
Roadblocks. They are not fun. But on the flip side of these impasses are lessons. It isn’t always easy to look at the bright side, and that certainly has never been the first thing I do. But on this journey I have learned that nothing really comes from negativity. Sure, I have bad days. And sure, my temper flares and I say things I shouldn’t, and I get snippy with people. Pain and discomfort and generally feeling icky make my fuse shorter that it normally would be. But if I stay in the bad places in my head, and forget to literally smell the flowers I do nothing but make myself and those around me feel worse.
I live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. And every day the lake and the mountains and the sky and the sunset remind me how small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. So I try every day to look out, and look up, and look around at what’s right in front of me. It helps keep me grounded. It gets me out of my head and the what if and uncertainty of what comes next. I am reminded that I am not always in charge, but I can decide how I feel about it.
Ever read the book FISH!? It’s a book about a fish market in Seattle and the philosophy of the people that work there. It’s a really fun read. But the one thing I took away from that book that has stuck with me for years is that you have a choice, every day, about what kind of mood you want to have. You can choose to be in a good mood, or you can choose to surrender to the bad mood demons. It’s easy to surrender to the dark side. Yoda said so. But it’s much harder to choose to stay in the light. It would be very easy for me, when I wake up and my head is pounding, and my knees are swollen, and my stomach is upset, and I’m terrified about having brain surgery and never being able to finish this book and wondering what comes next….It would be easy to pull the covers over my head and just stay in bed. It’s a much harder choice to get out of bed and put a smile on and say “ok….let’s have a good day”. Believe me…a much harder choice. But a choice, nonetheless.
And as I look outside today at the pine trees waving in the wind and the clouds beginning to cover up the beautiful blue sky reminding me that rain is coming, I smile. Because I am surrounded by a family who loves me, by two dogs and a cat who can’t live without me and friends who would do anything for me. And even though I don’t have everything that I want in this life, I certainly have everything that I need. And that’s worth smiling for.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Numerology = Purpose
I envy bloggers who seem to find something magical to say almost every day. I often don't have anything to say, but when I do it pours out of me and I can't seem to contain it.
I spoke to an amazing woman a few days ago who was very into numerology, and tarot and all things mystical. I have never been a true believer in such things, but I also can't say that I ignore them either. I read my horoscope, albeit with a grain of salt, I have had my cards read. Obviously, if you've read any of my older posts, you will realize that I believe in the universe, and destiny, and karma and of something much bigger than me controlling the outcome. All I can do is try to follow the path as it is illuminated before me. The signs aren't always clear, and there are roadblocks and wrong turns along the way. But I keep believing that if I do the best I can, and put one foot in front of the other, I will end up right where I am supposed to be.
That said I now am more of a believer in numerology than I used to be. Here's why.
The two most important numbers are your Lifepath (what we need to be happy) and your Attitude (the way we see the world and the way the world sees us). I am a 7 lifepath and a 9 attitude.
Here are the descriptions and they fit me to a tee. I have paraphrased a bit but...
#7 Lifepath. They are cerebral. They have a loner quality. They have a love of natural beauty. They need to learn to have faith. (sound familiar?) If they lack faith they become cynical and escape through work. They have an air of mystery and do not want you to know who they really are. They are the seekers.
I have been told more often than not that I am aloof, stand offish, that I have walls. I think less so as I have gotten older but they are there just the same. I spent 12 years escaping through my work in order to not get close to people, to not fall in love so I wouldn't get hurt again. I have always felt the loner. Even in a crowded room I am alone. And now, in order to find faith, I am on a quest, seeking a purpose for my life, seeking understanding, seeking answers, seeking love.
#9 Attitude: The 9 is a natural leader. At work they will not just do their job, but everyone else’s. Afterwards they are exhausted and drained. They need to establish boundaries. They have old pain that haunts them and it's hard for them to let go of the past. They will need to work through these emotions in order to be happy.
I have always been the leader. It's part of what keeps me alone and separate. I killed myself working, trying to do more than everyone else, making sure everything got done. And in the end all I had was a materially great life, but I was completely alone with no time for friends or relationships. Old pain? My ex-husband's infidelity haunted me for years, and still does sometimes. But the purpose of my book and this blog is to work through that pain and to believe again that true love is real and attainable.
So what does all this mean? Well, ultimately I think it proves to me once again that I am on the right path. I have said over and over since the beginning of this journey that I am happier now than I have ever been. I thought that making a lot of money, and buying a house, and being successful in my career were the path to happiness. But I found out they were, for me, the path to loneliness. I'm broke, but I am following my dream. I am seeking answers to my questions. I am learning how to look at the world as the "glass is half full", as opposed to the "glass is half empty". And ultimately, my happiness is measured not by how much money I make, or what I do, but by how I feel, and how I enjoy. I am no longer blindly running through my life, I am living it.
I spoke to an amazing woman a few days ago who was very into numerology, and tarot and all things mystical. I have never been a true believer in such things, but I also can't say that I ignore them either. I read my horoscope, albeit with a grain of salt, I have had my cards read. Obviously, if you've read any of my older posts, you will realize that I believe in the universe, and destiny, and karma and of something much bigger than me controlling the outcome. All I can do is try to follow the path as it is illuminated before me. The signs aren't always clear, and there are roadblocks and wrong turns along the way. But I keep believing that if I do the best I can, and put one foot in front of the other, I will end up right where I am supposed to be.
That said I now am more of a believer in numerology than I used to be. Here's why.
The two most important numbers are your Lifepath (what we need to be happy) and your Attitude (the way we see the world and the way the world sees us). I am a 7 lifepath and a 9 attitude.
Here are the descriptions and they fit me to a tee. I have paraphrased a bit but...
#7 Lifepath. They are cerebral. They have a loner quality. They have a love of natural beauty. They need to learn to have faith. (sound familiar?) If they lack faith they become cynical and escape through work. They have an air of mystery and do not want you to know who they really are. They are the seekers.
I have been told more often than not that I am aloof, stand offish, that I have walls. I think less so as I have gotten older but they are there just the same. I spent 12 years escaping through my work in order to not get close to people, to not fall in love so I wouldn't get hurt again. I have always felt the loner. Even in a crowded room I am alone. And now, in order to find faith, I am on a quest, seeking a purpose for my life, seeking understanding, seeking answers, seeking love.
#9 Attitude: The 9 is a natural leader. At work they will not just do their job, but everyone else’s. Afterwards they are exhausted and drained. They need to establish boundaries. They have old pain that haunts them and it's hard for them to let go of the past. They will need to work through these emotions in order to be happy.
I have always been the leader. It's part of what keeps me alone and separate. I killed myself working, trying to do more than everyone else, making sure everything got done. And in the end all I had was a materially great life, but I was completely alone with no time for friends or relationships. Old pain? My ex-husband's infidelity haunted me for years, and still does sometimes. But the purpose of my book and this blog is to work through that pain and to believe again that true love is real and attainable.
So what does all this mean? Well, ultimately I think it proves to me once again that I am on the right path. I have said over and over since the beginning of this journey that I am happier now than I have ever been. I thought that making a lot of money, and buying a house, and being successful in my career were the path to happiness. But I found out they were, for me, the path to loneliness. I'm broke, but I am following my dream. I am seeking answers to my questions. I am learning how to look at the world as the "glass is half full", as opposed to the "glass is half empty". And ultimately, my happiness is measured not by how much money I make, or what I do, but by how I feel, and how I enjoy. I am no longer blindly running through my life, I am living it.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The Yin and the Yang
The last month has seen a flurry of activity in my life. And as usual, the universe likes to throw me curve balls mixed in with the fast balls. I have now been contacted by four more people with possible fairy tales. The second half of the book is taking off so quickly that it’s hard to keep up. And I am excited and filled with anticipation. There is light at the end of this very long tunnel. I can see it! It’s there in front of me, and the only thing standing in my way is time. And my own body.
I have not been feeling well for the last couple of years. But every doctor that I have seen was convinced that all of my many ailments were unrelated to each other. And, as usual, I have learned to live with the many discomforts of being me. I have had back problems since I was eighteen, and although it is sometimes debilitating, I live with it. Because there is nothing else to do. I have a life to lead. And I don’t want to spend it in bed, or moaning about how much it hurts. Well, ok, sometimes I moan, but only when it’s really bad. But six months ago something happened. And when I finally went to the doctor she said that I probably couldn't have children anymore. That it wasn’t uncommon for someone at my age. I know I am getting older, but at forty-one I still believed that I had time left to have a baby. I want a family. However it is something that I had not wanted to do by myself, and as I had not found someone to share my life with yet, babies had been put on hold. I didn’t want to believe her. I really felt as though there was something else wrong with me.
Being told you can no longer have children is devastating. Particularly I think if you don’t already have children. I guess I sort of felt as though my life was over. I don’t know how else to explain it. I had sadness, a hole in the pit of my being that just ached. I also couldn’t believe it. I didn’t have any other symptoms. When the doctor determined it wasn’t menopause, and didn’t know why things weren’t working right she suggested that we “wait and see” if my body straightened itself out. I didn’t have time to wait and see. I just had this feeling that something was very wrong. And it is. After another round of blood tests by another doctor and an MRI we found out that there is indead something quite wrong, and although I don't want to share what it is exactly I do feel compelled to share my feelings about it. This thing also coincidentally seems be the reason for all of my other ailments.
Now yes, it sounds scary. And it is. Very. But it is not life threatening and it is also fairly common. And supposedly, once they deal with it things will probably start working again. My mother is of course fairly freaked out, which is helpful because it allows me to try to convince her not to be which helps me stay calm. I am also supremely grateful that I am not menopausal. And hopeful that I may indeed one day have a baby.
But this whole experience has got me wondering why I waited so long. I have said that I didn’t want to do it on my own. And truthfully, I don’t. I had a mom and a dad and I do believe that two parents are better than one, regardless of gender. (No, I am not a lesbian. I am happily heterosexual. I just wanted to put that in there for all of my gay friends fighting that particular battle.) And of course I realize that children are hard work, and expensive. Had I really considered having a child on my own, would I have made different choices? Would I have done things differently? Then the question becomes, how important is it for me to follow my dreams as opposed to having a family? Albeit a family sans partner.
Had all of this happened before the beginning of this journey, I might have made the choice not to take this leap of faith. But being so close to the end I can’t stop now. And then there is my body saying, slow down, you’re going to have to have surgery, there is recovery time. So, I am not quite sure of the universe’s purpose for this particular curveball. Except perhaps to remind me that time is indeed short. And it is running out for me. And if I may yet have the chance to have a child I’d better grab onto it with both hands if it’s really what I want. I may not ever find that one perfect person to spend my life with. So why am I waiting for “him” when my own clock is ticking?
Perhaps the universe is smiling down at me and saying that all of this, the book, my health, all of the realizations I have made so far are just a part of the bigger picture and as usual, I should wait to see what unfolds. Because every time I begin to doubt the path I am on I am usually shown that is was the right one all along. I just need to pay attention to the signs. No matter how big or small they may be.
I have not been feeling well for the last couple of years. But every doctor that I have seen was convinced that all of my many ailments were unrelated to each other. And, as usual, I have learned to live with the many discomforts of being me. I have had back problems since I was eighteen, and although it is sometimes debilitating, I live with it. Because there is nothing else to do. I have a life to lead. And I don’t want to spend it in bed, or moaning about how much it hurts. Well, ok, sometimes I moan, but only when it’s really bad. But six months ago something happened. And when I finally went to the doctor she said that I probably couldn't have children anymore. That it wasn’t uncommon for someone at my age. I know I am getting older, but at forty-one I still believed that I had time left to have a baby. I want a family. However it is something that I had not wanted to do by myself, and as I had not found someone to share my life with yet, babies had been put on hold. I didn’t want to believe her. I really felt as though there was something else wrong with me.
Being told you can no longer have children is devastating. Particularly I think if you don’t already have children. I guess I sort of felt as though my life was over. I don’t know how else to explain it. I had sadness, a hole in the pit of my being that just ached. I also couldn’t believe it. I didn’t have any other symptoms. When the doctor determined it wasn’t menopause, and didn’t know why things weren’t working right she suggested that we “wait and see” if my body straightened itself out. I didn’t have time to wait and see. I just had this feeling that something was very wrong. And it is. After another round of blood tests by another doctor and an MRI we found out that there is indead something quite wrong, and although I don't want to share what it is exactly I do feel compelled to share my feelings about it. This thing also coincidentally seems be the reason for all of my other ailments.
Now yes, it sounds scary. And it is. Very. But it is not life threatening and it is also fairly common. And supposedly, once they deal with it things will probably start working again. My mother is of course fairly freaked out, which is helpful because it allows me to try to convince her not to be which helps me stay calm. I am also supremely grateful that I am not menopausal. And hopeful that I may indeed one day have a baby.
But this whole experience has got me wondering why I waited so long. I have said that I didn’t want to do it on my own. And truthfully, I don’t. I had a mom and a dad and I do believe that two parents are better than one, regardless of gender. (No, I am not a lesbian. I am happily heterosexual. I just wanted to put that in there for all of my gay friends fighting that particular battle.) And of course I realize that children are hard work, and expensive. Had I really considered having a child on my own, would I have made different choices? Would I have done things differently? Then the question becomes, how important is it for me to follow my dreams as opposed to having a family? Albeit a family sans partner.
Had all of this happened before the beginning of this journey, I might have made the choice not to take this leap of faith. But being so close to the end I can’t stop now. And then there is my body saying, slow down, you’re going to have to have surgery, there is recovery time. So, I am not quite sure of the universe’s purpose for this particular curveball. Except perhaps to remind me that time is indeed short. And it is running out for me. And if I may yet have the chance to have a child I’d better grab onto it with both hands if it’s really what I want. I may not ever find that one perfect person to spend my life with. So why am I waiting for “him” when my own clock is ticking?
Perhaps the universe is smiling down at me and saying that all of this, the book, my health, all of the realizations I have made so far are just a part of the bigger picture and as usual, I should wait to see what unfolds. Because every time I begin to doubt the path I am on I am usually shown that is was the right one all along. I just need to pay attention to the signs. No matter how big or small they may be.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Universe Answers
It is truly amazing to me how the universe answers my prayers. When I posted "A Test of Faith" it had been over two months since I had had anything to say, and I was feeling so dejected and upset at the lack of progress I was making. I had been posting my new blog entries on my Facebook page in the hopes that that would help me get my message out and I had sent out the other e-mail. I had been talking to people about the book, but I was getting nowhere.
However twenty-four hours after posting "A Test of Faith" to my Facebook status I received two responses. One was from a woman who told me her aunt had a great story but wasn’t sure she would be willing to share it. The other from a woman who had read my blog and was so touched by it that she felt she had to contact me. And I am so grateful she did. She has one of the most beautiful fairy tale love stories I have heard.
Her response has again restored my faith that this journey has purpose and I am not just wasting my time. Ask and you shall receive. These words could not be truer than at this moment.
A year ago I was sitting in the bedroom at my friend Erica’s house. We were both beginning new journeys in our lives. Both standing at the edge of a cliff, ready and willing to jump off in pursuit of our goals. We looked at the time and the date. It was three-eleven pm on March eleventh. We made a pact that day to chase our respective dreams and see where we were exactly a year from that day. Had we accomplished anything? Were we closer to the end? Was it worth it? Or would it be, perhaps, time to move on?
I can honestly tell you that if you had asked me a few months ago if it was worth continuing, I would not have been entirely sure. I was hanging on by a thread. My wall was so high at that point I couldn’t even see the top and there was absolutely no hint that my staircase was ever going to appear. But now, on the cusp of that anniversary, I am charging full speed ahead. I am full of energy and hope again, and inspiration is flowing out of my pores. In the last few days I have made so much progress that I have not only scaled my wall, but I have left it far behind.
However twenty-four hours after posting "A Test of Faith" to my Facebook status I received two responses. One was from a woman who told me her aunt had a great story but wasn’t sure she would be willing to share it. The other from a woman who had read my blog and was so touched by it that she felt she had to contact me. And I am so grateful she did. She has one of the most beautiful fairy tale love stories I have heard.
Her response has again restored my faith that this journey has purpose and I am not just wasting my time. Ask and you shall receive. These words could not be truer than at this moment.
A year ago I was sitting in the bedroom at my friend Erica’s house. We were both beginning new journeys in our lives. Both standing at the edge of a cliff, ready and willing to jump off in pursuit of our goals. We looked at the time and the date. It was three-eleven pm on March eleventh. We made a pact that day to chase our respective dreams and see where we were exactly a year from that day. Had we accomplished anything? Were we closer to the end? Was it worth it? Or would it be, perhaps, time to move on?
I can honestly tell you that if you had asked me a few months ago if it was worth continuing, I would not have been entirely sure. I was hanging on by a thread. My wall was so high at that point I couldn’t even see the top and there was absolutely no hint that my staircase was ever going to appear. But now, on the cusp of that anniversary, I am charging full speed ahead. I am full of energy and hope again, and inspiration is flowing out of my pores. In the last few days I have made so much progress that I have not only scaled my wall, but I have left it far behind.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Test of Faith
As I reach the half-way mark of my journey I find myself wondering if I will ever reach the end of this quest. I have been looking for love stories for a year now. And at first the search seemed relatively easy. I asked the universe for proof of real life fairy tales and I was provided with a number of extraordinary and beautiful stories for my project. The generosity of the people who were willing to share their deepest emotions openly and fully with a complete stranger was an honor and a blessing. And I cherish every moment spent with the incredible people I have met so far.
But now the stories have stopped coming. I have hit the proverbial brick wall on my journey. And I don't quite know how to scale the wall and get to the other side. And as I sit on this side of it, I wonder if perhaps this is as far as I will get. A few beautiful stories, dangling in front of me like a carrot, but that's it.
Initially I sent out an e-mail, and the six degrees of separation effect that ensued through the forwarding of that e-mail resulted in the stories I have already researched. But the second e-mail I sent out recently has not had the same response, making me realize that perhaps I can't dip into the same pond twice and expect to receive a different gift. So now I have to think up new ways to reach out to strangers and find my love stories.
Which brings me back to my wall. I must have faith, I keep telling myself. But what is faith. And why is faith different from belief?
The dictionary says that faith is the firm belief in something for which there is no proof.*
Well...faith is what this journey has been about. Belief that fairy tales exist in real life and that I could find them if I looked for them. But I got stuck behind my wall and my faith started to falter.
Then I searched for and found other definitions of faith which inspired me and have given me hope that I will find a way to the top and onward on this path of discovery.
An ancient history book states that "faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see".**
And Martin Luther King Jr said that "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase".
I have never seen the whole staircase on this quest, but I was willing to put my life on hold in the pursuit of a dream, an idea, a hope that I would find the proof I was looking for. Proof that what I said in my last post was true. I do believe that love is out there for all for us, and I must have faith that maybe, one day, it will find me too. But for now, I sit on a step beside my wall, patiently waiting for the next step in my staircase. The one that will bring me to the other side and perhaps closer to the end of my journey.
*Merriam-Websters Dictionary
**found on line - source unknown
But now the stories have stopped coming. I have hit the proverbial brick wall on my journey. And I don't quite know how to scale the wall and get to the other side. And as I sit on this side of it, I wonder if perhaps this is as far as I will get. A few beautiful stories, dangling in front of me like a carrot, but that's it.
Initially I sent out an e-mail, and the six degrees of separation effect that ensued through the forwarding of that e-mail resulted in the stories I have already researched. But the second e-mail I sent out recently has not had the same response, making me realize that perhaps I can't dip into the same pond twice and expect to receive a different gift. So now I have to think up new ways to reach out to strangers and find my love stories.
Which brings me back to my wall. I must have faith, I keep telling myself. But what is faith. And why is faith different from belief?
The dictionary says that faith is the firm belief in something for which there is no proof.*
Well...faith is what this journey has been about. Belief that fairy tales exist in real life and that I could find them if I looked for them. But I got stuck behind my wall and my faith started to falter.
Then I searched for and found other definitions of faith which inspired me and have given me hope that I will find a way to the top and onward on this path of discovery.
An ancient history book states that "faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see".**
And Martin Luther King Jr said that "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase".
I have never seen the whole staircase on this quest, but I was willing to put my life on hold in the pursuit of a dream, an idea, a hope that I would find the proof I was looking for. Proof that what I said in my last post was true. I do believe that love is out there for all for us, and I must have faith that maybe, one day, it will find me too. But for now, I sit on a step beside my wall, patiently waiting for the next step in my staircase. The one that will bring me to the other side and perhaps closer to the end of my journey.
*Merriam-Websters Dictionary
**found on line - source unknown
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