The Yin and the Yang

The last month has seen a flurry of activity in my life. And as usual, the universe likes to throw me curve balls mixed in with the fast balls. I have now been contacted by four more people with possible fairy tales. The second half of the book is taking off so quickly that it’s hard to keep up. And I am excited and filled with anticipation. There is light at the end of this very long tunnel. I can see it! It’s there in front of me, and the only thing standing in my way is time. And my own body.

I have not been feeling well for the last couple of years. But every doctor that I have seen was convinced that all of my many ailments were unrelated to each other. And, as usual, I have learned to live with the many discomforts of being me. I have had back problems since I was eighteen, and although it is sometimes debilitating, I live with it. Because there is nothing else to do. I have a life to lead. And I don’t want to spend it in bed, or moaning about how much it hurts. Well, ok, sometimes I moan, but only when it’s really bad. But six months ago something happened. And when I finally went to the doctor she said that I probably couldn't have children anymore. That it wasn’t uncommon for someone at my age. I know I am getting older, but at forty-one I still believed that I had time left to have a baby. I want a family. However it is something that I had not wanted to do by myself, and as I had not found someone to share my life with yet, babies had been put on hold. I didn’t want to believe her. I really felt as though there was something else wrong with me.

Being told you can no longer have children is devastating. Particularly I think if you don’t already have children. I guess I sort of felt as though my life was over. I don’t know how else to explain it. I had sadness, a hole in the pit of my being that just ached. I also couldn’t believe it. I didn’t have any other symptoms. When the doctor determined it wasn’t menopause, and didn’t know why things weren’t working right she suggested that we “wait and see” if my body straightened itself out. I didn’t have time to wait and see. I just had this feeling that something was very wrong. And it is. After another round of blood tests by another doctor and an MRI we found out that there is indead something quite wrong, and although I don't want to share what it is exactly I do feel compelled to share my feelings about it. This thing also coincidentally seems be the reason for all of my other ailments.

Now yes, it sounds scary. And it is. Very. But it is not life threatening and it is also fairly common. And supposedly, once they deal with it things will probably start working again. My mother is of course fairly freaked out, which is helpful because it allows me to try to convince her not to be which helps me stay calm. I am also supremely grateful that I am not menopausal. And hopeful that I may indeed one day have a baby.

But this whole experience has got me wondering why I waited so long. I have said that I didn’t want to do it on my own. And truthfully, I don’t. I had a mom and a dad and I do believe that two parents are better than one, regardless of gender. (No, I am not a lesbian. I am happily heterosexual. I just wanted to put that in there for all of my gay friends fighting that particular battle.) And of course I realize that children are hard work, and expensive. Had I really considered having a child on my own, would I have made different choices? Would I have done things differently? Then the question becomes, how important is it for me to follow my dreams as opposed to having a family? Albeit a family sans partner.

Had all of this happened before the beginning of this journey, I might have made the choice not to take this leap of faith. But being so close to the end I can’t stop now. And then there is my body saying, slow down, you’re going to have to have surgery, there is recovery time. So, I am not quite sure of the universe’s purpose for this particular curveball. Except perhaps to remind me that time is indeed short. And it is running out for me. And if I may yet have the chance to have a child I’d better grab onto it with both hands if it’s really what I want. I may not ever find that one perfect person to spend my life with. So why am I waiting for “him” when my own clock is ticking?

Perhaps the universe is smiling down at me and saying that all of this, the book, my health, all of the realizations I have made so far are just a part of the bigger picture and as usual, I should wait to see what unfolds. Because every time I begin to doubt the path I am on I am usually shown that is was the right one all along. I just need to pay attention to the signs. No matter how big or small they may be.